Communicating Nonviolently

When travelling around Australia, I had plenty of time on to read. I ended up reading a book called Nonviolent Communication, which had been on my list of books for a long time. In this blog, I am going to summarise the book and some of my takeaways. There are a few passages in the book that resonated with me that I will be copying, albeit not in their entirely.

Words Are Windows (or They're Walls)
I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I've got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

The premise of the book is that it's our nature to give and receive in a compassionate way. Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a way of communicating that helps us give from the heart. There is no requirement that the person we are communicating with is well verse in the language of NVC, rather if we follow the NVC process and ensure that others know our only motive is to give and receive compassionately, then they will eventually join us in the process. It's good to note that giving and receiving compassionately also applies when we are connecting with ourselves.
There are four components to NVC:

1. Observations - The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-beings
2. Feelings - How we feel in relation to what we observe
3. Needs - The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
4. Requests- The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

There are certain ways of communicating that alienates us from our natural state of compassion:

• Moralistic judgements - When we imply badness or wrongness on the part of people who do not act in harmony with our values. This is when we label, criticise, compare and blame others. For instance, statements such as "The problem with you is that...", "She is lazy", "This is in appropriate" are all form of moralistic judgements. The author is quick to point out that there is a difference between value judgements and moralistic judgements. We make moralistic judgements of people and behaviour that fail to support our value judgements. For example, we value peace, honesty and freedom. However, saying "violence is bad. People who kill are evil" is a form of moralistic judgement. A better way of expressing that we do not value violence is to say "I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means."
• Making comparisons - comparisons are a form of judgements. When we compare ourselves to others, we are engaging in a form of life alienating communication.
• Denial of responsibility - communication is life alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Use of common expression such as "I have to", "I should", "you make me feel..." are all form of denial of personal responsibility.
• Communicating desire as a demand - A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.

I can handle your telling me
What I did or didn't do.
And I can handle your interpretations,
but please don't mix the two.

Observation is a key component of NVC. When we combine observation with evaluation, people hear blame and criticism, which are a form of life-alienating communication. The author gives a few examples that we hear/use regularly:

• Use of the verb to be without indication that the evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation. For instance saying "you are too generous" is mixing the two forms. Instead consider saying "when I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous."
• Use of verbs with evaluative connotations. For example, instead of saying "Doug procrastinates", consider saying "Doug only studies for exams the night before."
• Implication that one's inferences about another person's thoughts, feelings, intentions or desires are the only ones possible. "She won't get her work in" versus "I don't think she'll get her work in"
• Confusion of prediction with certainty, such as saying "If you don't eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired." A better way of phrasing this would be "If you don't eat balanced meals, I fear your health may be impaired."
• Failure to be specific about referents. "Immigrants don't take care of their property" versus "I have not seen the immigrant family living at ... shovel the snow of their sidewalk."
• Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made. For example, "Hank Smith is a poor soccer player" instead of saying "Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games."
• Use of adverbs and adjectives in ways that do no indicate an evaluation has been made, such as saying "Doug is ugly" rather than saying "Doug's looks don't appeal to me."
• Avoid using exaggerations such as always, often, never, etc. as they provoke defensiveness rather than comparison.

I find the exercise of separating evaluations and observations to be a lot harder than it sounds. We are so conditioned to say things such as "you did a good job" without really qualifying or providing evidence to support that evaluation. I've been catching myself doing this as I was writing performance review feedback. Getting really specific and highlighting concrete actions requires quite a bit of reflection.

The author spends a chapter discussing the importance of identifying and expressing feelings. A common mistake is when we use the word feel without actually expressing any feelings. It is important to distinguish between what we feel and what we think:

• I feel that you should know better.
• I feel like a failure.
• I feel ignored or unimportant.
• I feel it's useless.
• I feel my boss is being manipulative.

Also, it's important we are specific about our feelings and avoid using vague terms. For instance, the word good could mean happy, excited, relieved etc. The author has put together feelings inventory to help us get express our feelings more specifically.

The third component of NVC is expressing our needs. Expressing our needs is just as important as expressing our feelings. Earlier on we discussed taking responsibility of our feelings. The core message here is that what others do may be the stimulus of our feelings but never the cause! Feelings are the results of what we choose to receive. There are four options when receiving a negative message:

1. Blame ourselves - feeling guilty, shame and depressed
2. Blame others - ie. you are the one who is really self-centred
3. Sense our own feelings and needs - ie. I feel hurt because I need recognition
4. Sense others's feelings and needs - asking others if they are feeling a certain way because they there is a need that has not been met

Sensing other's feelings and needs is a better way of receiving a negative message as we are seeking to understand what need of theirs was not met. The important thing to note here is to ask clarifying questions rather than making assumptions about their feelings. Again, we want to avoid mixing observation with evaluation! The author provides some common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability of our own feelings:

• Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that: "It really infuriates me...", "That bugs me a lot."
• Use of the expression "I feel because..."
• Statements that mention only the action of others: "mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."

You take responsibility of your feelings by connecting to your needs. The needs are at the root of feelings. Be sure to distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt. When you are doing something out of guilt, you are not really taking responsibility of your feelings. You are not responsible for other's feelings. Refer to the needs inventory to get help when expressing your needs.

The last component of NVC is what we would like to request of others. It's not surprising that we have more success getting our request met when making requests in clear, positive, and concrete action language. The difficulty however, is recognising when we are making a request that is not very clear or concrete in action. Many times we express our feelings without being conscious that we are really making a request. Here's a funny story from the book that illustrate this point quite well. The story takes place on a train heading to the airport:

The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, "I have never seen a train go so slow in all my life." She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we're not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice, he exclaimed, "I have never seen a train go so slow in all my life!"
The wife, at a loss for response, looked even more distressed. In desperation, she turned to him and said, "They are electronically timed." I didn't think this piece of information would satisfy him, and indeed it did not, for he repeated himself a third time- even more loudly, "I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TRAIN GO SO SLOW IN ALL MY LIFE!". The wife's patience was clearly exhausted as she snapped back angrily, "Well, what do you want me to do about it? Get out and push?"

I have to admit that I found some of the exercises in the book a bit condescending. The author emphasises the fact that we should not assume the need or feelings of others and therefore it's important we ask clarifying questions until we have a clear understanding of their feelings, needs and requests. While I understand the intention, I found some of the exchanges difficult to read. The conversation just didn't seem to flow and was very tiring to ask so many questions to just get to the bottom of the request. Perhaps the issue is that nowadays we are so used to making assumptions that I find the exchange difficult to imagine.

 
The chapter on receiving empathically was a good reminder on how to act when empathising with others. I am guilty of making a lot of the mistakes he calls out in the book. Here are some of the common mistakes:

• Advising: "I think you should..." or "How come you didn't..."
• One-upping: "That's nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me."
• Educating: "this could turn into a very positive experience if you just...."
• Consoling: "It wasn't your fault; you did your best."
• Story-telling: "That reminds me of when..."
• Shutting down: "Cheer up. Don't feel so bad."
• Sympathising: "Oh, you poor thing."
• Interrogating: "When did this being?"
• Explaining: "I would have called but..."
• Correcting: "That't not how it happened."

Believing we have to "fix" situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present. Next time when someone is sharing something, don't just do something. Stand there! Listen for what the person is observing, feeling, needing and requesting. Listen to what they are needing and not thinking. Empathising with someone when they reject us protects us from taking it personally as we try to understand their feelings and needs. So next time someone says "no", try to understand their feelings and needs!

The author spends a chapter on connecting compassionately with ourselves. The same principals of NVC applies when we are evaluating ourselves. If the way we evaluate ourselves lead us to feel shame and we consequently change our behaviour, we are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by self-hatred. Instead of judging, shaming or blaming ourselves, we need to listen to our feelings and needs. An important part of self-compassion is to make choices that are motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of guilt, fear, shame, duty or obligation. Translate "have to" to "choose to". With every choice be conscious of what need it's serving.


None of the concepts in the book are new and the author acknowledges just as much. Many of the established communication patterns contribute to dysfunctional relationship, misunderstanding and frustrations. In order to get better at practicing NVC, we need to connect to our feelings and needs and be more conscious when expressing them.